Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Humble Pie

OK, so after years of looking down on pharmaceutical emotional aides, uh stuff like Prozac, I am now a convert. I'll admit it. I've found a measure of happiness in a little bottle of blue pills and I'll admit it. I've been one of those people who looked for relief of depression in every other corner of this planet. I've tried yoga, travel, trail running, kayaking, hiking, graduate school (yeah, um what was I thinking with that one?), more depression, friendship, community, volunteerism, work (again, what was I thinking), journaling, therapy, psychotherapy, music, sunshine, vitamins, acupuncture, biking, walking, a dog (lack of sleep contributes to more depression), a rabbit, the internet, reading, breathing, vegetarianism, eating meat, adding more grains, cutting out caffeine, adding caffeine, cutting out sugar, the list could go on. The one thing I refused to try on principal was medication.

Now I'm not talking about just a general "I'm blue once in a while," and I'm not just popping pills. I'm also taking a boxing class, watching what I eat and going to therapy. Oh, and it's summer and I'm taking vitamin D, iron and B12. Oh, and I'm taking melatonin and Valerian at night. I'm also still getting acupuncture and I've found an awesome masseuse. Here's the thing though, it's one of the most stressful years of my life and yet I'm, in many ways, feeling the best I've ever felt. I have to admit, the Prozac has helped me turn that corner.

I disclose this not to give props to an industry with which I still have many ethical axes to grind. I will still rally against our over-dependence upon quick fixes and our theft of indigenous knowledge of plants for "first world" profits and patents.

That said, damn these little blue pills make life enjoyable, make shit I'm dealing with bearable and the floor to which I am prone to sink much higher. I want to exercise. I want to eat well. And, I don't mind looking at the shit I've already dealt with in my life face to face and moving on. At this point I don't even care how long I take these if they continue to help me make healthy choices. They've helped me reach a sense of internal peace that I've been looking for for 30 years. Literally. Maybe it's also a culmination of all those other things I've already tried and am certain it's all the other things I'm also doing.

I'm not even going to try to find a way to reconcile this. It's working for me right now.