Not really a Facebook reactionary post but a "really, I don't want to post this for everyone to see and react to and think, 'gee she's depressing' post."

So, some things you want to shout to the world to hear and Facebook seems like just the right forum these days for shouting to the world. Some things though you think, "I want to shout this to the world, I want you all to see what I'm dealing with, but I also don't." Ha! We all have those times in our lives, or at least I am quite sure we all have these times, when you feel that sharing one more negative piece of news will send everyone running away from you as fast as possible. I am reminded of a poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "Solitude." The famous line, "...laugh and the world laughs with you.... grieve and they turn and go." That's depressing shit to pass on in and of itself! And, I don't think it's entirely true. There are friends who will sit by your side while you vomit up life's ugly moments. Friends who will witness what you need to get out in open.

So, if you are one of those people, here's the latest. (And I don't judge anymore those friends who aren't the ones who will be with me in the mire. You are sometimes the ones who toss a lifeline of laughter or something equally positive.)

Mom's MD Anderson trip just wasn't what we wanted. They are quite certain she has cancer in her liver now and the spot they saw months ago wasn't deterred by the chemo. This isn't good news. This means most likely another surgery and more chemo. Now, before I build us all back up with my characteristic Maria let's look on the bright side speech - here's the very possible dark side. This likely means she is Stage IV and not Stage 3 as we were hoping. This means that, if worst case scenario happens, her outlook is not great, positive could be 5 years if the websites I've tortured myself with are correct. It also could mean a road of miserable chemo visits from here to eternity.

It does for sure mean visits to MD Anderson for her every 2 months. Every 2 months of visiting that depressing city of hospitals and far more horrific things to see.

OK, because I am a team player and a motivator at heart, here's the possible upside: They have caught this little spot at a point where it is so damn small the surgeon was adamant he wouldn't be able to see it with his bare eyes. It could be a lesion and they could be totally wrong about it being cancer. OR, a different chemo treatment could be effective, with surgery, and she just may have a bad year. One to two bad years would be completely worth a decade or two of no chemo. The next chemo may not have the same side effects, they may be milder.

Live in the moment right? Right now, it's sunny out and warm. Right now, we just had a great week together. Right now, she's feeling pretty good. Right now, we are all in this together and feeling like supporting each other.

If you have stayed with me while I've shouted this to my mini-blog world, thank you. You are extremely appreciated.

Passive Jerks

So, my biggest Facebook pet peeve is when people make comments that are passive aggressive. OK, and when people are competitive on my wall with my posts - like "oh you think you have it bad... well, blah blah blah my life."

Alright so I'm half asleep still. I'll try to explain. If I post something like, "such and such sucks" you're being a bad listener if you post back - "oh yeah, well such and such in my life sucks more." Just a simple joke or hit that like button will do please. Also, passive aggressive comments just suck. Mostly because I want to be passive aggressive back and I don't like that about myself. Then I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut which makes me want to cry, "I'm being oppressed and silenced!" Not unlike that scene in "The Holy Grail."

My sniveling is probably unwarranted. And, oops, maybe this post is passive aggressive.

Humble Pie

OK, so after years of looking down on pharmaceutical emotional aides, uh stuff like Prozac, I am now a convert. I'll admit it. I've found a measure of happiness in a little bottle of blue pills and I'll admit it. I've been one of those people who looked for relief of depression in every other corner of this planet. I've tried yoga, travel, trail running, kayaking, hiking, graduate school (yeah, um what was I thinking with that one?), more depression, friendship, community, volunteerism, work (again, what was I thinking), journaling, therapy, psychotherapy, music, sunshine, vitamins, acupuncture, biking, walking, a dog (lack of sleep contributes to more depression), a rabbit, the internet, reading, breathing, vegetarianism, eating meat, adding more grains, cutting out caffeine, adding caffeine, cutting out sugar, the list could go on. The one thing I refused to try on principal was medication.

Now I'm not talking about just a general "I'm blue once in a while," and I'm not just popping pills. I'm also taking a boxing class, watching what I eat and going to therapy. Oh, and it's summer and I'm taking vitamin D, iron and B12. Oh, and I'm taking melatonin and Valerian at night. I'm also still getting acupuncture and I've found an awesome masseuse. Here's the thing though, it's one of the most stressful years of my life and yet I'm, in many ways, feeling the best I've ever felt. I have to admit, the Prozac has helped me turn that corner.

I disclose this not to give props to an industry with which I still have many ethical axes to grind. I will still rally against our over-dependence upon quick fixes and our theft of indigenous knowledge of plants for "first world" profits and patents.

That said, damn these little blue pills make life enjoyable, make shit I'm dealing with bearable and the floor to which I am prone to sink much higher. I want to exercise. I want to eat well. And, I don't mind looking at the shit I've already dealt with in my life face to face and moving on. At this point I don't even care how long I take these if they continue to help me make healthy choices. They've helped me reach a sense of internal peace that I've been looking for for 30 years. Literally. Maybe it's also a culmination of all those other things I've already tried and am certain it's all the other things I'm also doing.

I'm not even going to try to find a way to reconcile this. It's working for me right now.

You're her wife? So you're married?

For some reason today was the day for dealing with people who just aren't super familiar with dealing with gay people. I started the day asking an out-of-towner how their weekend went. They had inadvertently stumbled onto the Portland Pride parade and had to do a lot of explaining to their teenage child. This gave me a giggle at first. I could just imagine running into a parade and stopping to watch then being mortified as your teen asked why someone in the parade was wearing nothing but leathers or perhaps had a dildo strapped onto the outside of their clothing. I chuckled a little and then, when I realized she was still horrified, reminded her that only a few of the groups marching in Pride wear things like that. Then she said, "I said to my family, 'Do married people dress like that?'" I quickly changed the subject.

I wanted to say, I'd like to march in Pride sometime. I'd like to have been at Pride, but I was sitting in the hospital with my wife this year. Do married people do that? I wanted to explain that I am gay and here I am all normal looking, I'm in a job where I dedicate myself to helping families with sick children and I've spent the last week busting my ass and worried sick making sure my wife has the best healthcare possible. That's what married people do.

I also spent several sessions listening to how part of the stress that has her hospitalized is from her frustration with the comments people make to her about how her marriage isn't real or she just hasn't met the right man....

Then this afternoon, as we were sitting down with another professional, I was asked, "Who are you? Are you a friend?" When I said, "I am her wife," the professional looked startled and then asked me, "So are you married?" I thought that's what "wife" meant.

I'll end on a positive note though. The rest of this past week I was treated as nothing other than a complete and 100% spouse by my wife's team. I was able to help make decisions and see that she got the best care possible. They were fantastic folks and I was so appreciative of being able to just do everything I could to help.

Add Screening Options to Friend Requests!

I want a feature on Facebook that allows you to ask some screening questions when people send you a "friend request." Here's what my - so who are you questions? - would be:

• Do I actually know you?
• Do you remember me because I have no idea who you are and my yearbooks are in another state...
• I'm not an ass, high school was traumatic and I blocked most of it out.
• Have you at some point actually wanted to be my friend or do you just add everyone who might have been in your graduating class, the year before you or even the year after you?
• Do you just add everyone who might have gone to the same high school as you did in the last 30 years?
• I'm gay, do you still want to "friend" me? 
• If you say yes to the question above, you do realize you should not post homophobic, anti-gay marriage crap on your wall or on mine at any point in the future right? 
• Do you regularly post inappropriate drunken night out photos and/or other crap that will lead me to have to eventually block you so I don't have to worry about your stuff coming up when I happen to be checking my FB at work (for work purposes of course)?
• Still with me? OK. Let's be friends! 

Healthcare

OK, so just remember, I still love you even if you don't agree with me and you don't have to agree with me to love me : )

I hear a lot about how we can't change our healthcare because if we do something to it it might get worse. I also hear about how awful Canadian Healthcare is. I have several thoughts about these things.

1. If we never changed a bad situation we were in because we were afraid it could get worse... well we would probably not have or do many things we love to have or do.
2. I lived on the Canadian border for 13 years and I have many Canadian friends. Not one actual Canadian that I know that still lives in Canada would trade their healthcare system for ours.
3. Our system is broken. If you think that it's good, you have great insurance, but you are not why healthcare needs to change. Here is a real example, albeit from the friend of a friend, but this was from their online journal about dealing with their child's illness:

(This is not something from a family I work with)

"A close family friends son (10 years old) has a brain tumor. This comes after 5 years of remision from Leukemia. They suspect that it could be a result of the intense radiation treatments he previously received (wasn't aware this could happen) for Leukemia. Apparently chemo is now considered a "prescription drug" because it is available in pill form. So, the insurance company won't pay for it because their plan doesn't include "prescription drugs". Wild."

"This is from their CaringBridge Journal.

'And actually, before we did that we went up and met briefly with the oncologists. We got one little "ray of hope" piece of news. The molecular findings from the lab at UT Southwestern, which contain words that would win pretty much any Scrabble game, indicated that the nature of the tumor is such that it might be more susceptible to the chemo than was originally believed based on the microscopic findings.

And speaking of chemo, at this point we do not have a resolution on that front. We did not begin this treatment yesterday. The doctors assure us that a few days delay should not have an impact. So we hope to hear whether or not Schering-Plough will provide this. For anyone unaware, our insurance does not include prescription drug coverage. And since advancements in chemo delivery now make more of it available orally via tablets, the insurance companies have siezed on this and are calling it a "prescription drug." While we find it hard to make the leap that chemotherapy is a prescription drug, the insurers are apparently comfortable with that leap. So we have applied to the drug-maker, with information from our oncologists, to see if they will provide it. So if we can get some good news soon on that front we should be able to get the chemo going. '

Obama's Katrina?

Let us count the ways in which I disagree:
1. Anything Karl Rove says should be immediately debunked. Period. Give me another source for your analogy.
2. This is a man-made, corporate made, disaster and is in no way a natural disaster such as hurricane Katrina.
3. If Obama had as head of the coast guard or head of minerals management, a person whose only experience was as the former owner of a casino... then maybe there would be an analogy to draw. IF the head of minerals management had failed to curb corrupt policies in the bureau, this is not the same as just not answering your Blackberry when the call regarding a disaster came in.
4. If Bush were president right now, the price of gas would have gone up "due to the disaster" to $5 a gallon. Like when he was in office and not before any significant Republican race.
5. Um, during Katrina people were dying of dehydration, violence from poor shelter organization and hunger. Not to mention water-bourne illnesses.
6. One of the only similarities I can conclude is that both disasters were preventable and both were predicted. However the reasons they were not prevented are entirely different. The flooding that destroyed mostly a highly impoverished area occurred because improvements to levees and flood controls were ignored for decades. Improvements that had been requested were continuously ignored by successive federal administrations. They were expensive fixes and these were poor people. The safety issues on the oil rig seem to have been identified and minerals management did nothing about them. Powerful lobbies and bribes were behind this. Even though BP is the third largest oil company in the world, they got away with this. This is about corporate greed. While we will fire the head of an agency, we won't let a corrupt corporation fail.
7. The only other analogy I can draw has nothing to do with who's president. Both are examples of our willingness to ignore the obvious. If you build below sea-level and you live by the sea, expect to be flooded at some point no matter what your efforts are. It's like building near a volcano. If you drill off-shore, there will be oil spills that impact nearby land. We are human, our best efforts at preventing these problems (without corruption) will fail at some point. Now we just have to decide if we are prepared to deal with the results. Let's focus on that instead of whining about "was my president unfairly blamed.

The conclusion I think we can all agree on is that it does nothing towards solving what created either of the disaster conditions in either situation to simply point the finger at one individual. The problem lies in an unwillingness on our part to break apart these situations and truly hold those individuals responsible accountable. We are also unwilling to change the very circumstances which exacerbated both situations. We are unwilling to either not build on flood plains or to improve the safety conditions around them, especially if we are not the ones living in the flood plains and those who are are poor. We are unwilling to deal with corrupt local politicians. We are unwilling to restrict the lobbying abilities of major multinational corporations and to examine a future without oil. We are unwilling to pay the price for oil that it truly costs when environmental damages from drilling are factored in. It is much easier to point the finger at one individual. This is how democracies die if you ask me. The laziness of the average voter to actively participate. If the president of the U.S. were able to unilaterally solve both of these issues, they would be overstepping their role and doing away with our system of checks and balances. It is going to take far more than one vote for one person to create change and to keep democracy alive.