Glenn Beckians are the Enemy of the State

I just wanted to say that I think folks who subscribe to Glenn Beck is one of the most insidious characters in modern history. Right up there with Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. What they promote is anti-American. There. Just that simple.

Did you not learn from W?

So, I just want to get this off my chest. Sarah is for dummies. Dummies like to be surrounded by dummies. Really, I think some people want other stupid people to run the country because smart people make them feel stupid. I think they're afraid "those smart people" are trying to pull something over on them. Get behind Sarah, she'll make you feel smart. That's what we want in our leadership... Stupid people who can talk dumb to us.  I'm am completely convinced of this now.

When W was elected the first time, I thought, "Great, 'activist judges' elected our president." (Oh wait, 'activist judges' can only be liberal right?) Then when he was elected the second time I thought, "Well, maybe people are just that out of touch with the world and are just voting along party lines."

Sarah's nomination to run as VP made me think, "OK the media has largely been taken over by conservative folks with lots of money." I went along with "the media controls what we see and therefore what we know, which leads to how we vote." Yeah, um now that she's ditched her responsibility as governor and revealed more of the lack of knowledge that she possesses, I am left with a dismal reality. There are stupid people out there. Maybe I should say uninformed, but that somehow softens the responsibility.

Let's get real, we are responsible for what we know, for how we get our information, for our participation. No matter how much one party may own the media, or be owned by the media, we do still live in a democracy - even if that democracy is anemic. I am judging people too. I'm using that bad word "stupid." Just because you might not know if it's South or North Korea that is the "good one" doesn't mean that you don't want a president/leader who does. It's OK if "we" don't know exactly what NATO does, but don't you want your leaders to? (OK, it's really not OK that the average citizen may not know these things, but don't get me started on our US-centric educational system. Most people in the rest of the world know more about the rest of the world than the average US citizen.) Realize that if a political figure doesn't know the difference between North and South Korea, has never really traveled outside the US, ditched her office early (um there is a lame duck period for presidents people), they are probably not safe as leader of one of the largest, richest, most powerful countries in the world -and I don't mean China.

Will Work for Doxa

Bourdieu proposes that culture is replicated by orthodoxy and heterodoxy. In other words, there is the way we have "always" done things (orthodoxy) and sentiments/actions/etc. against the way we have always done things (heterodoxy). I think we're stuck in this binary dualism right now in terms of liberal/conservative, democrat/republican, capitalism/socialism. Bourdieu posits that social change occurs when a completely new way of thinking comes about, or doxa. Doxa is what we need, we need a new way of thinking, a new party, a new system of governance. Change. People are ready for this, I think that's what the last presidential election tapped into. We are still fighting heterodoxy and orthodoxy trying to come up with doxa though.

What would doxa be though? I think it would have elements of, dare I say it, socialism, regulated capitalism, environmentalism, conservatism and so on. But we can't use the same words. We need new words and new ways of expressing these ideas. We need to get to the nexus of these ideas blended together. If we use these words, we trigger the old nags of orthodoxy and heterodoxy. We need a new vocabulary in order to think differently and to move us from the confines of what these words have come to represent to us.

Post Election Angst

There's so much roiling around in my mind since the elections this November. It's hard to sort out just how it has left me feeling.

I'm frustrated by people saying this is an indictment of Obama's agenda. Congress barely touched his agenda and they often acted against it in their own self-interests for re-election. Republicans literally stated they would not compromise and this stalled any movement while they simultaneously accused Democrats of not compromising. We are in a recession and yet billions of dollars were spent for campaigns. Democrats supported big business interests and sustained a costly war while passing the limpest of health care reform possible.

My personal feelings are that the elections are a further indictment of the weaknesses of our political system. Big banks are richer, the average person is poorer (if not in income then in home and retirement values). Money is what determines our political power/voice and what sways legislation. This is not democracy. Yet we still fail to see where our sustained participation in the political process is a necessary ingredient of democracy. We vote once and say we participated, if we vote at all... Voting is not enough. Voting is just one element of democracy.

Oh, and capitalism can be poisonous to democracy. This doesn't make me naive, bleeding hearted, or anti-American. Unrestrained capitalism is another form of tyranny. This also doesn't make me anti-capitalist nor socialist. I am simply for regulated capitalism within a democracy. Our votes, our lobbying for the direct rights of people must trump the rights of corporations.

OK, I digress. If our congress just became all at once both more conservative and more liberal... then I would argue that the last elections were a demand for something different in how we "do" politics.

And seriously, if there is so much money out there that we can fund billions of dollars in campaigning, why are we in a recession?

Not really a Facebook reactionary post but a "really, I don't want to post this for everyone to see and react to and think, 'gee she's depressing' post."

So, some things you want to shout to the world to hear and Facebook seems like just the right forum these days for shouting to the world. Some things though you think, "I want to shout this to the world, I want you all to see what I'm dealing with, but I also don't." Ha! We all have those times in our lives, or at least I am quite sure we all have these times, when you feel that sharing one more negative piece of news will send everyone running away from you as fast as possible. I am reminded of a poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "Solitude." The famous line, "...laugh and the world laughs with you.... grieve and they turn and go." That's depressing shit to pass on in and of itself! And, I don't think it's entirely true. There are friends who will sit by your side while you vomit up life's ugly moments. Friends who will witness what you need to get out in open.

So, if you are one of those people, here's the latest. (And I don't judge anymore those friends who aren't the ones who will be with me in the mire. You are sometimes the ones who toss a lifeline of laughter or something equally positive.)

Mom's MD Anderson trip just wasn't what we wanted. They are quite certain she has cancer in her liver now and the spot they saw months ago wasn't deterred by the chemo. This isn't good news. This means most likely another surgery and more chemo. Now, before I build us all back up with my characteristic Maria let's look on the bright side speech - here's the very possible dark side. This likely means she is Stage IV and not Stage 3 as we were hoping. This means that, if worst case scenario happens, her outlook is not great, positive could be 5 years if the websites I've tortured myself with are correct. It also could mean a road of miserable chemo visits from here to eternity.

It does for sure mean visits to MD Anderson for her every 2 months. Every 2 months of visiting that depressing city of hospitals and far more horrific things to see.

OK, because I am a team player and a motivator at heart, here's the possible upside: They have caught this little spot at a point where it is so damn small the surgeon was adamant he wouldn't be able to see it with his bare eyes. It could be a lesion and they could be totally wrong about it being cancer. OR, a different chemo treatment could be effective, with surgery, and she just may have a bad year. One to two bad years would be completely worth a decade or two of no chemo. The next chemo may not have the same side effects, they may be milder.

Live in the moment right? Right now, it's sunny out and warm. Right now, we just had a great week together. Right now, she's feeling pretty good. Right now, we are all in this together and feeling like supporting each other.

If you have stayed with me while I've shouted this to my mini-blog world, thank you. You are extremely appreciated.

Passive Jerks

So, my biggest Facebook pet peeve is when people make comments that are passive aggressive. OK, and when people are competitive on my wall with my posts - like "oh you think you have it bad... well, blah blah blah my life."

Alright so I'm half asleep still. I'll try to explain. If I post something like, "such and such sucks" you're being a bad listener if you post back - "oh yeah, well such and such in my life sucks more." Just a simple joke or hit that like button will do please. Also, passive aggressive comments just suck. Mostly because I want to be passive aggressive back and I don't like that about myself. Then I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut which makes me want to cry, "I'm being oppressed and silenced!" Not unlike that scene in "The Holy Grail."

My sniveling is probably unwarranted. And, oops, maybe this post is passive aggressive.

Humble Pie

OK, so after years of looking down on pharmaceutical emotional aides, uh stuff like Prozac, I am now a convert. I'll admit it. I've found a measure of happiness in a little bottle of blue pills and I'll admit it. I've been one of those people who looked for relief of depression in every other corner of this planet. I've tried yoga, travel, trail running, kayaking, hiking, graduate school (yeah, um what was I thinking with that one?), more depression, friendship, community, volunteerism, work (again, what was I thinking), journaling, therapy, psychotherapy, music, sunshine, vitamins, acupuncture, biking, walking, a dog (lack of sleep contributes to more depression), a rabbit, the internet, reading, breathing, vegetarianism, eating meat, adding more grains, cutting out caffeine, adding caffeine, cutting out sugar, the list could go on. The one thing I refused to try on principal was medication.

Now I'm not talking about just a general "I'm blue once in a while," and I'm not just popping pills. I'm also taking a boxing class, watching what I eat and going to therapy. Oh, and it's summer and I'm taking vitamin D, iron and B12. Oh, and I'm taking melatonin and Valerian at night. I'm also still getting acupuncture and I've found an awesome masseuse. Here's the thing though, it's one of the most stressful years of my life and yet I'm, in many ways, feeling the best I've ever felt. I have to admit, the Prozac has helped me turn that corner.

I disclose this not to give props to an industry with which I still have many ethical axes to grind. I will still rally against our over-dependence upon quick fixes and our theft of indigenous knowledge of plants for "first world" profits and patents.

That said, damn these little blue pills make life enjoyable, make shit I'm dealing with bearable and the floor to which I am prone to sink much higher. I want to exercise. I want to eat well. And, I don't mind looking at the shit I've already dealt with in my life face to face and moving on. At this point I don't even care how long I take these if they continue to help me make healthy choices. They've helped me reach a sense of internal peace that I've been looking for for 30 years. Literally. Maybe it's also a culmination of all those other things I've already tried and am certain it's all the other things I'm also doing.

I'm not even going to try to find a way to reconcile this. It's working for me right now.